1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table

knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave

immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

 

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt

scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You

can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that

it has 10,000 calories in every sip?  It's not as if you're going to turn

into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for

me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

 

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of

gravy.  Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed

potatoes.  Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

 

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or

whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother?   It's like buying a sports

car with an automatic transmission.

 

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control

your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other

people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

 

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's.

You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the

time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table

while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

 

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like

frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near

them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center

of attention.  They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

 

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.  Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.  Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

 

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory

celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

 

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or

get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips;

start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

 

Remember this motto to live by:  "Life should NOT be a journey to the

grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved

body, but rather to skid  in  sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in

the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO

HOO what a ride!"